After the Freeze

Why am I the one sad inside, tears streaming down my face
when his eyes are dry. He can’t even bring himself to even try
to fake an emotion, should change the motion of my thoughts,
crank the handle backwards, rewind time to erase my droplets,
rewind time to change my future, save my future from
feeling this present pain. Seems like destiny pre-set this
tragedy- no, not the end of us, but
the realization that the only one I can fully trust
is me.

Even then that varies, because I lied to myself when
I didn’t listen to my mind, ignored the voice that said wrong,
listened to the one that said fun, then fun turned to love,
but for him it was fuck, so in the end
its fuck me fuck love, vulgarities necessary. It should
have been me love me like him no sin, but being
human, I had to test the waters, go for a swim
I took some bait and got caught up, reeled in
and taken out of my element, all of it
foreseeable if I opened my eyes, didn’t want truth
only lies I told myself when I said to me
that I was more than my pussy, not the only one
with one so it cant be all…
I thought too deep, more womanly, forgetting he thinks
with phalluses

Trying not to turn bitter, but that feeling is like
telling water not to freeze outside when its winter,
want to stay warm inside but the surface
temperature’s at zero, sick
of getting plucked and played like guitar hero,
feel the changing in my thoughts, turning
a frown into a smile, but I know its ‘cause my
insides are cooling, my body temp is down. They
say that before you freeze you have feelings of bliss
and I am getting happy-
This must be it....

Forget the tears and the crying and the trying to provide the things he needs, when I know he wouldn’t do the same for me

Forget the sadness and the madness of wondering where my man is when the question is why did I even let him leave

Forget the waiting and the praying and the all-will-be-okay-ing when I know he’s somewhere laying and I’m finding faults with me

Forget the caring and the swearing and the up all night preparing for a battle I cant fight because the other party’s fleeing.

Forget you. Its easier than I thought-
Start with a count down to meltdown or freeze up, ‘cause I’m through

10 times you called and you said you were coming
9 times you never showed up and inside I was dying
8 times you made me pick up your tab
7 times you put me down to prove you’re a man
6 times I picked up your late phone calls
5 times I answered it was a bitch named Simone
4 times you walked out instead of facing the truth
3 times you came back with “I love you’s”
2 times describes your whole way of being
1 time I thought that the problem was me
0 times again will you make me cry

If I’m frozen, you can’t heat me, so don’t even try
If I’m frozen, I can’t feel me, easier to say goodbye