I hate wondering.
As I wonder my mind wanders
down corridors with doors
bolted closed, trying to
free the ravenous
What Ifs that will
consume your soul with
burden and guilt,
only if you turn that key. Then

I wonder if I deserve it,
so the lock gets clicked and
the smallest of the What Ifs takes a nip at my leg...
Now Im running,
running from the gate I opened and
door I closed and I wonder why I did it,

so I wander faster farther down and see
the rabbit hole of self doubt,
jump in it to
escape the What Ifs,
into the abyss of remiss
and then re-miss every
thought I thought I
caught but I missed.

And I see what I miss,
The hims,
the hers,
the times,
the laughs,
the good,
the bad,
the tears,
the dead,
the past
fast sinking as my hands cant grasp
just one
to focus on,
dizzy blurring whirring, still fast..reach out,
empty hand, I
can't
hold it to focus, cant hold it to focus
cant
hold
it
to
focus then one thought is clear.
"Let it go."
That's why I cant hold it.

(I think i need to add something, but prob not, cus its a freewrite =)